Just 4 Laughs




It All Makes Sense Now!



Some of you might have heard that in 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may not know is that nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William J. Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.







A Bottle of Merlot

A well dressed man asked a waiter to take a bottle of merlot to an exceptionally attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, still lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and passed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He quickly wrote his response, folded his note, handed it to the waiter, and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: "Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, ... I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over 20 million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off 3 inches. Just send the wine back."



How to Save the Airlines


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill (The Bud) Clinton







The Wedding Test




I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and, deciding to get married, we first got engaged.
There was only one little thing bothering me... it was her incredibly beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was proudly bra-less. I'm sorry to say it, but it had to be deliberate.
One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. I found it curious but went anyway. She was alone when I arrived and had just stepped out of the shower, still in her bath towel. When I asked to see the wedding invitations, she whispered to me she had feelings and desires for me she couldn't overcome. She told me she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. I just stood there, mouth agape. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to get wild with me, just come up and get me.' I was completely stunned and now even more frozen in shock.
I watched her go up the stairs and heard the 'click' of the bedroom door opening. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. Without breaking stride, I flung open the door and headed straight toward my car.
Lo and behold, my girlfriend ... now fiancee ... and entire future family was standing outside on the lawn, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law-to-be hugged me and said, 'We are very happy you passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, Son!'
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


Something to Ponder

This is something to ponder when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares even less tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a once in a lifetime trip to Rome, with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty! You're crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?" - "We're taking Continental" was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, the flight attendants ugly and they are always late. Where are you staying in Rome?" - "We'll be staying at this exclusive little place on Rome's Tiber River, called Teste.” - "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." - "We're also going to go to the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." - "That's rich." laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him, he'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman went back for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful." Explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. The hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling project and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" - "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." - "Actually, we were quite lucky, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope would like to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.” - "Oh really, what did he say?" - “He said: Who in the world f**ked your hair?"



Simplistic Observations



WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' ________________________________________



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



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CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ...so does she…



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WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

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WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



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CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

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WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'


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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.






Don Corleone on Jon Edwards




Larry King on Imus








General George Patton Has A Solution To The Iraq War




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